Caring for aging parents can be overwhelming in the best of times. But it is even harder when you become solely responsible for making decisions and supporting them in life or death situations.
I found myself in such a situation during one of my holidays in Fiji when I had to suddenly drop all my plans and take my aging father to India, all by myself, for high-risk quadruple bypass surgery. India is a foreign country to us as we do not have any friends or family there.
My Dad used to be a very active and healthy person. He did have high blood pressure and diabetes. But roughly 40% of Fijian men suffered from hypertension and 1 in 3 people suffered from diabetes. So, when his health suddenly deteriorated, we attributed his ill health to the depression he was feeling after losing my mum, just a few months prior.
My brother decided to bring Dad over to Australia for a holiday to help him deal with the loss. We thought a change of scenery and spending time with his grandchildren may help him with his grief. However, his health kept deteriorating further, to a stage where his blood pressure would stay above 200 (systolic) over 180 (diastolic) for days.
I decided to get Dad checked out by the doctors in Australia. We found that Dad had several blocked arteries. Doctors advised that he needed quadruple bypass surgery!
At first, Dad was not too keen to go for the surgery. The cost of surgery in Australia for someone on a tourist visa is at least a hundred thousand dollars or more out of pocket. We could not organise that much money so quickly. Besides, Dad wanted to go back to Fiji in time for the prayer ceremony to mark the first anniversary of Mum’s passing. So, after spending a few months with us in Australia, Dad went back.
The medical emergency
Most of our family members, including those from overseas, had gathered for the prayer ceremony in Fiji. My then fiancé (now husband) also joined us a week after the prayer ceremony so we could celebrate our engagement with my family members in Fiji.
I also wanted my fiancé to see the place and the lifestyle I was brought up in. So, after the engagement ceremony, my fiancé and I decided to go and visit some of our friends and family in Suva. On the way, we also took the opportunity to stop at a beach hotel to take in the experience.
My younger brother remained with Dad and decided to take him to visit a couple of families around his side. However, the next morning, I received a frantic call from my brother.
Dad’s health had deteriorated again and this time it seemed worse. He could not even travel in a car for an hour!
I knew it was now a medical emergency! I had to do something. And that too, very quickly!
There are no suitable medical facilities for such surgeries in Fiji. And it was not possible for us to collect enough money for the surgery in Australia or New Zealand in time.
I was aware that India offered affordable prices for similar surgeries. But, I had been to India before, and I found India very intense. I struggled to move around by myself. The country is highly populated with an intense culture which can feel quite overwhelming even for a holiday, so I shivered with the thought of taking Dad across for surgery there. I also did not know the hospitals in India.
Becoming my Dad’s medical escort
My sister told me about an Indian medical broker who used to visit Fiji. I found his contact details and immediately called him in India. He told me that his team can help me get Dad across to India in a week and they will arrange everything with the hospital in India.
The medical broker advised me that it would take about four to five weeks from surgery to recovery in India. He also suggested that it will be important to have someone as a medical escort for my Dad during his travel to India and as his carer after Dad’s surgery in India.
We now needed to find someone who could go with Dad as his carer. My Mum had already passed away and Dad was alone.
My elder sister had never been to India and felt nervous about taking Dad overseas for such a big surgery. I turned to my brother. But he had just landed a new job and did not have any leave available to him.
My brother was also worried about leaving his two young daughters for such a long time. My younger sister who lived in New Zealand was also not able to go with Dad.
My fiancé looked at me and said, “it seems it is you or no one”. He also went on to say, “whatever you do, you do not want regret in life”.
I could not leave Dad in that dire situation. Both my parents worked very hard to raise us and to educate us. So, even though I had also exhausted my leave I managed to get my employer to agree to my absence from work for such a long period.
I got the tickets and sorted the visas for both of us in a week. But that’s when the roller coaster of anxiety and fear swept us. The doctor, who we went to get clearance for Dad’s ability to fly, indicated that my Dad only had a 50% chance of successful travel. However, the alternative was that he may not survive more than few months.
My fiancé suggested that I should talk to all my siblings about all the scenarios in case of any risks during the flight or if the surgery was not successful.
I also made sure that Dad clearly understood the risks and was part of the decision-making. But the worse part was that given I am the most educated person in the family Dad was asking me to decide for him!
Once we made the decision, Dad and I got on the earliest flight possible. I arranged enough oxygen cylinders to support Dad through this flight. Dad had to remain on oxygen throughout the flight.
Our -hour ordeal at the airport
We managed the Nadi to Singapore leg fine but the connection from Singapore to Delhi got delayed by about 10 hours. Given Dad was on a medical travel arrangement the airport authorities would not let Dad leave the airport. But there was no accommodation available at the airport either.
I understood their concern about having a medical patient go far away from the airport, but I could not understand why they could not realise that without rest Dad could worsen! It took me a lot of convincing and after about 4-5 hours the airport staff allowed us to go to an airport lounge.
By the time we reached the airport lounge, it was full. I knew I had to be creative as Dad definitely needed some rest. I was exhausted too. So, when I found a bench in a corner, I covered it with a towel and made a makeshift bed for Dad to rest. I then organised some food for both of us.
After feeding ourselves I managed to get Dad some rest on his, rather uncomfortable, makeshift bed. I spent the whole night sitting huddled next to him, praying that the night would be over soon.
Just before the end of our 10-hour ordeal I woke Dad up, washed his face, and got ready for another stretch of our journey. All this time I kept a brave face in front of Dad, but I was totally knotted inside with the fear in case Dad gets severely unwell while we were still in the air or if we did not make it to India.
I sighed a big relief when we were finally escorted to the Air India flight. But then the flight attendants would not release the oxygen supply we had ordered! It again took me a lot of persuasion to get the flight attendants to bring oxygen supply for Dad.
You can imagine how relieved Dad and I both were when we finally reached India.
Ranvir, a nice gentleman, met us at the airport and escorted us to our hotel. We were exhausted and we could barely stay up. So straight after a bite and a shower, we collapsed in our beds.
Ranvir was back again in two hours’ time to take us to the hospital. Neither Dad nor I seemed to have any rest, but we had to keep going. We had an appointment with the head cardiologist that afternoon.
Prepping Dad for his surgery
The doctor admitted Dad to the hospital for surgery the next morning. As Dad’s only family there, I had to sign all the papers in preparation for Dad’s surgery.
The doctors explained to me all the risks involved with the surgery, one of which indicated that there was a chance that Dad may not wake up from the surgery given his diabetic condition! I had never made a decision that involved another person’s life! This was an excruciating experience. But what was the alternative? There was little chance for Dad to survive very long without the surgery.
At that time, I felt so grateful that my fiancé had suggested that I talk to Dad and our siblings about all the risks before we left Fiji. At least, I knew that we as a family had agreed to take this risk together.
I tried to read all the medical documents repeatedly and asked as many questions as I could to at least understand what I was signing. It felt like I was trying to find things that I could eliminate or fix before I sent Dad into the theatre. But, there was nothing that I could change. I guess it was standard papers for such high-risk surgeries. At least by reading them I felt comfortable I had done all the due diligence I could.
Dad did not say much but his smile was gone. It was obvious how nervous he was. I had to keep a brave face. I was the only family with Dad in a foreign country, and I could not show my vulnerabilities to him. I assured him that he was with the best doctors and that I will pray for him. Then I said goodbye to Dad.
I waited in the hospital while he was in the theatre. Those hours seemed like days, but I could not sleep or go anywhere. I was frozen with fear and anxiety.
Finally, the ICU unit called me in the middle of the night. Dad’s surgery was successful. They wanted me to come and wake him up.
The sight in ICU was daunting. Seeing Dad with several tubes sticking out from his mouth and body was nerve-racking. But at least I knew that he survived the surgery.
Dad also responded to my voice. I was told he was not out of danger yet and that the next few days were going to be critical. So, I slept in the hospital while Dad was treated in the ICU.
Becoming my Dad’s nurse
Dad was released from the hospital after five days in the ICU and two days in the ward and we moved back to the hotel. What I was not prepared for was the enormous effort that was needed to be a full-time carer for Dad during his rehab for the next three weeks!
Dad needed 24-hour assistance. He struggled to sleep and would wake up every 30 mins or so, day or night. He needed me to help him get out of bed. He suffered from restless leg syndrome and the only way he could have any rest was when I rubbed his feet with oil or Vicks.
My Dad also has a habit of getting up at 5 am. So, I had to get up early and get his breakfast ready before 5 am every day. And, during the day I would help Dad get his shower and when he rested, I would go and find lunch and dinner for both of us, do our washing, liaise with doctors, and share his updates with the rest of the family overseas who eagerly awaited every day.
Dad also felt quite edgy. He struggled being stuck inside the room. At times, I felt he was getting depressed. So, I also became his entertainer.
I organised for others from the hotel to come and visit Dad. I set up a digital radio for him and even shared stories with him to keep him upbeat. I still do not know how I managed to do this with very little, if any, sleep. It is amazing how much strength and resilience we all have within us, that we can tap into when we are in such a dire situation.
A saviour to other patients and their families
I made many friends while I was caring for Dad in India too. There were several patients from Fiji living in the same hotel or were being treated at the same hospital that Dad was admitted to. For many of these, this was also their first trip overseas. Their perception of India was what they had seen in movies. The reality was different. Many of them struggled with language and the culture in India. So, I became a saviour to many.
Some of these patients and their families residing in the hotel would call me to get help in organising things with the medical brokers or to communicate with the hotel and/or medical staff. Others just wanted my help to navigate through the busy streets to the shops, cafes, or pharmacies.
Perhaps my experience in living and traveling overseas had equipped me to deal with many different situations and I successfully helped many of these people. But there was one request for assistance from a gentleman that rocked my core! This gentleman, let’s call him Saten, brought his wife for treatment for some lung issues from Fiji. By the time they reached India, his wife had fallen into a coma.
I could see that Saten was feeling quite nervous and struggled to navigate through the crowd in the hospital to see his wife. The nurses were calling out to him to come and wake his wife up from the coma. (The nurses felt if she heard a familiar voice she may wake up). Seeing Saten struggle, I took his hand, like he was my younger brother, and steered him through the crowd.
The unsettling funeral
Saten did get to see his wife. But unfortunately, she passed away soon after. Again, as Saten did not have any family in India, he asked me to help him with his wife’s funeral. It was my birthday and attending a funeral was the last thing I wanted to do that day.
The realisation that someone could die of a similar situation when your own father is himself in a critical condition was making me further anxious. But, I also did not have the heart to leave Saten alone to do his wife’s last rites all by themselves in a foreign country. So, I gathered a couple of my new friends from the hotel and encouraged them to join Saten at the cemetery.
The funeral was very confronting, to say the least. It was unlike anything I had seen anywhere before. There was no coffin! The deceased was brought on a stretcher.
There were perhaps more than two dozen funeral pyres burning next to each other (with about a foot’s distance from each other) in an open cemetery.
Saten wanted me to live stream the funeral rites so that his children could participate from Fiji. I felt for the children who would not otherwise be able to say goodbye to their mother. But I had to really dig deep to do this task. As I live-streamed the ceremony from my phone, I could feel the heat from the neighbouring pyres burning. At times I mistakenly stepped on the burning coal. The scene was like some sort of scary movie.
Making the journey back
Finally, five weeks in India was over. And it was time for me to take Dad back to Fiji. Dad could not even sit or stand without support and here I had to organise another 24-hour journey back to Fiji!
I could not find any business class seat for any of the legs of the flight back. I feared how Dad would cope with the long sitting. But there was no alternative.
I organised another couple of oxygen cylinders and wheelchair access at every transit or exit and escorted him back to the airport.
As expected, Dad struggled on the flight. But to my luck, he did not have any issues with his heart. Rather, Dad got bored sitting in one place for a long time.
Dad even threw a few tantrums when the person in the front would push his chair back or he could not go for a walk. But I tried all different ways to keep him calm. I will not lie; it did test my patience a few times too.
I did, however, get into a panic situation during our transit in Hongkong when dad went to the toilet and did not return for more than 30mins. I pondered if Dad fainted in the toilet or if something worse happened to him. Before I entered the gentlemen’s toilet to rescue my Dad, I reached out to a man, who was going into the toilet, to see if my Dad was okay. I described how my Dad looked like. And I sighed a big relief when the gentleman came back to tell me a person of the same description was inside washing his clothes.
By the time, Dad returned it was time to get to the connecting flight. The flight back was a blur. We were both so keen to be back in a familiar place again.
Mission accomplished
We both safely arrived in Fiji. Tired, both mentally and physically exhausted but safe.
I was very thankful that my younger brother was waiting in Fiji to take over the care for Dad. Later, my sister arrived from New Zealand to look after Dad when my brother left. As for me, I just collapsed in bed as soon as I arrived in Fiji.
After resting overnight, I took another flight and flew back to my home in Australia.
Dad survived the surgery. He was also able to attend my wedding in Australia eight months after his surgery. But with his age, this surgery has left him quite weak and unable to lift any heavy load. But we are pleased that the surgery has given Dad a few more years with us.
Dad is a fighter and continues to fight through the highs and lows of life. I just hope this COVID 19 pandemic is put to bed soon so we can all go back and see him again.
As for me, courage and perseverance are what I was taught from my childhood. An additional thing that I learnt from this journey is that we all have the power within us. We may feel the fear, the anxiety, and even a sense of hopelessness but with a grit mindset, we can all rise to the occasion! I did too!
