Finding My Purpose in Life

Who am I? What am I here for?

I heard a spiritual teacher talk about these questions three decades ago.

Have I got the answer? Not really!

Does anyone ever really find the answers?

I am not quite sure. But what I am sure is that many of us wonder about these questions, many times in our lives.

I wondered as well! But the more I wondered, the more I got confused.

Perhaps my path was chosen for me! Perhaps, I did not do enough soul searching! Or perhaps it did not really matter for me!

My life has been influenced by many people who I have associated with, many places I have been to, and many activities I participated in. And, every time, I walked the path, I believed they were my true calling!

I have been strong, and fierce. And I have been subdued. But I kept going on every journey that was chosen for me.

Touched by death

The first time a path was chosen for me was when I was just five years old, living in a small village in Fiji. I had contracted a life-threatening illness. My Mum was running back and forth to the hospital with me for a few weeks. But it was not until a Saturday morning when the gravity of my illness became apparent.

Mum had brought me back from the hospital and laid me on a mat while she rushed to the kitchen to cook. My siblings were playing next to me. At one stage, I felt they were quarrelling with each other. I called out but they did not hear me. I am still not sure if they really did not hear me or if there was no sound coming from my mouth. My Mum on the other hand seemed like she had a sixth sense. She sensed there was something wrong with me and came running.

I do not remember anything after that – I went into a coma and was rushed to the hospital.

Perhaps they believed God returned me to them, for a higher purpose.

My recovery was long and unpredictable, and I remained weak for a long time. This became the reason for my parent’s special care for me and the beginning of my religious affiliations.

A religous aspirant and a celibate

As I grew older, I learnt to read Hindi. So, my Dad bought us the Hindu scriptures; Ramayan and Bhagwat Gita. I started doing Ramayan recitals every week with my Mum and my siblings. I would also join my Dad going to the village temple and read the scriptures for the community group.

My ability to run spiritual discourses was further boosted when I ran a 13-day Bhagwat Gita session in front of a big gathering at age 14 after the passing of my ‘Dada’, my dad’s elder brother.

The village elders were proud of me as a teenager taking active interest in religious and cultural activities. I was becoming a bit of a public figure. I was getting extra pressure from my parents to be this ideal figure. But I could understand why this was important to my parents. My parents were farmers, with no formal education. Having one of their children being recognised for a spiritual and educational pursuit was a pride and joy for them. 

Perhaps it was this background that influenced me to go to India and meet my spiritual Master after I met his disciple while studying in Australia.

The atmosphere was very uplifting! It seemed I was in heaven (or what I imagined heaven to be). I had never found that kind of joy before.

I loved that place and my Master so much that I wanted to stay there. It felt like I was born to be part of that place. So, I decided to totally devote to a spiritual life in India and dedicate my life to helping others.

My desire to dedicate myself to my spiritual life was also influenced by the stories that my Mum recited to us many times during our childhood – the stories of Mirabai who was known for a selfless devotion to lord Krishna.

Apart from Mirabai, Mum also admired Padma Lochan, a prominent figure with Fiji Red Cross, who was a single woman selflessly supporting people across Fiji. She commanded authority and respect of many people.

Perhaps it was my Mum’s admiration of two selfless female figures that made her believe that life as a celibate or a single, educated and working female would be far better for me than been married and required to serve others. Perhaps Mum was herself fighting against the expectations placed on woman from her time. She always said, “why would I want to go and wash someone else’s dishes”. Thus, making me think more seriously about becoming a spiritual aspirant.

In the Indian culture, a spiritual life is also more significant than material life, so this choice gained my parents’ approval and elevated their status in the village.

Growing up fast

My parents were not well off, but my parents always wanted all their children to get educated at any cost. In fact, it was Mum who drove us to get educated.

My Mum’s childhood, as well as her married life, involved hard labour. She wanted us to have a better life than she had. So, while Dad went away for labouring jobs, Mum, after finishing her housework, would work on the farm we lived on. But the expenses kept growing. And, it was not easy educating five children, particularly three of us of a similar age.

I remember we were only ten-eleven years old when we started helping with cooking, cleaning and helping out on the farm. We walked to school and could never afford to have snack money. We only had one pair of clothes to wear at home, and one to go to school.

I even agreed to take meat to sell to my teachers and borrowed money from them to pay mine and my siblings school fees.

We would of course, pay my teachers back when my parents were able to raise enough funds. I just wanted to reduce the burden on my parents. Seeing this, my parents started saying that I was not their daughter but their son! (In Indian culture a son is meant to help their parents not the daughter). They started treating me like their messiah and hoping that one day I would lighten their load further. But this started adding more obligation on me. I started working harder and making more sacrifices.

The guilt of being the chosen one

I remember when I was in the seventh form (year 13), when most teenagers would want to show off nice clothes, shoes, or hair styles, I agreed to wear a hand-me down dress to school.  I also strapped my sister’s old broken shoes and wore them to school. That was the year, my sister got married. It was a small, low-cost wedding. It cost all my parents savings.

My sister’s marriage was not her choice. It was a choice my parents had to make. They could not afford to continue all their children’s education. My brother chose to go to trade school. Being the eldest daughter in the house, my parents organised my sister to enter into an arranged marriage so I could continue further education.

Perhaps it was the guilt that I was chosen above my other siblings or perhaps the mere empathy for my parents’ hard work and sacrifice that I learnt to manage my life with the bare minimum.

Perhaps it was also this history of guilt and expectations and knowing that my parents were not well enough to support my younger siblings that later influenced me to throw away my dream to engage fully as a hermit and take on the decision to support my family. Initially, my younger sister joined me in Suva (the capital of Fiji) where I worked after I finished my degree. I helped her find a diploma to study at TAFE. I became her mentor helping her integrate to this bigger society.

When I migrated to Australia my younger brother joined me. It was a big responsibility taking care of an 18year old in a new country, when I was trying to establish myself. My brother also worked in café and hotels to contribute to some of his university costs. But I had to become an instant mother, trying to understand the teenager tantrums and impact of peer pressures in a more liberal country. My brother still wishes me a happy mothers’ day in recognition of my effort at that time.

Surrendering to Destiny’s plan

Being the chosen one meant I felt the pressure to get a degree and a shining career at any cost. This, at times meant living below the means, even going hungry. Although, at one stage, I thought I was not going to make it to university.

This was straight after my sister’s wedding. My Dad returned home in the middle of the day with stress related chest pain. I massaged his chest and gave him milk to drink. But after resting a little he went back to his job (manual cane harvesting) saying that we were in dire financial crisis, and he could not afford to take time off. It broke my heart. So, I started looking for jobs without my parents knowing about it.

I applied for jobs as a bank teller knowing it did not require a degree. I was even called for an interview. But perhaps Destiny had other plans for me!

A very generous couple (Mr and Mrs R V Singh) came to my school looking to sponsor a student who had good potentials but came from a poor family. The principal selected me. Was that a miracle? I am not sure. But I threw away the job application and went back to school.

Mr Singh brought me cakes and a carton of soft drinks. But it was also to say ‘goodbye’. He told me that his wife and son had moved to Australia and was also planning to join them soon.I guess the Singh family had done their job. I had completed high school and was waiting for a response to my university application.

A graduate with a successful career

To everyone’s excitement I was selected to go to the University of the South Pacific to study Bachelor of Science (BSc). I was going to be the first person in our family to go to university! And despite my many efforts to explain what BSc was, my parents believed I was going to study medicine and become a doctor.

This time there was no miracle. We had to find the money!

I was able to secure a study loan for part of my university fees. But it required a guarantor.

My parents did not own any assets, so they did not qualify as a guarantor. My Dad and I went to one of our village elders – an uncle who was well known and reasonably well off. But he refused stating that “girls are meant to be married and sent to their husbands house. So, there is no guarantee that I will be able to pay back”.

As if my dad knew the response he was going to get my dad asked this uncle if we could hire his van instead so we could go and see one of my dad’s friend (my Dada) that same night. ‘Dada’ did not have any daughters, but he had a lot of respect for my parents and was proud of my achievements so far. He agreed without any hesitation.

I am still very grateful for ‘Dada’. He made me believe that girls are as important as boys.

Next day, my Dad, ‘Dada’ and I walked 5km to get all the paperwork ready for my application.

When at university, I continued my search to further reduce the cost to my parents. So, I went from office to office searching for any scholarship or sponsorship. Again, as if touched by angels, I remembered that when I had won “highest in English’ prize from the Baily Education Fund at school it included some information about how this Fund supported needy students.

I wrote to the Fund administrators, knowing that the Fund was only set up to help school students not university students.

To my surprise, another generous soul – Gulnoor Akbar from the Fund office – contacted me. She could not promise me anything but agreed to put my case forward. And lo and behold! I got some additional funding to support myself.

I stayed at other peoples’ places to continue my studies. Of course, there were challenges living with others which I will write about in a different blog post.

I was able to save money from the scholarship and send money back to my family, and I even went to India to visit my spiritual master.

And ultimately, I graduated with a degree in Forestry. I became the first female timber inspector in Fiji. It was surprising how people started accepting me in a male dominated arena.

It is this Australian degree that also later helped me fulfil my and my family’s dream to have one of us migrate to Australia.

In Australia, I started working in a hardware company. My hard work and perseverance then paved my path to a successful career in the State Government. I am now a senior leader in a government organisation.

Of course, I had many challenges establishing myself in a new country, which I will be writing in a separate blog. But one thing has been certain that there has been nothing stopping me reaching my own career goals. I have managed various reform initiatives, empowered many people and I am known to be a leader in my field.

People say I am a born leader!

A wife and a stepmother

For a while I lived three lives in Australia – my life as a Fijian Indian, my life as an Australian migrant, and as a spiritual aspirant. I travelled frequently to India to study the scriptures, to be guided by my spiritual master and to support the poor. But when I was in my thirties, I started having strong desires to have my own children.

Was it just hormonal? Or was it the influence of living in a more diverse society? I don’t know. But this new desire stirred tremendous confusion and even tested my own beliefs.

Given my previous commitment to celibacy I had no exposure to relationships other than that of family, religious groups, or business relationships. I struggled to form bonds or even have any idea of what I would want in a partner.

It does not mean I did not meet any suiters. In fact, I met many. But I always judged them and compared them to a standard that perhaps was hard for many to meet. Perhaps it was also my inner consciousness protecting me from committing to anyone outside of my spiritual commitment.

I also felt scared – scared of the unknown! Scared of blasphemy!

It was not until I got terribly sick again, where the doctors thought I may have a brain tumour, that I accepted help from a male colleague.

I was weak and was having dizzy spells so was very appreciative when one of my work colleagues volunteered to take me to numerous medical tests and examinations. Fortunately, they all came back clear.

They are both beautiful children. But this again threw me into another un-known road of being a stepmother.

Am I a good stepmother? I do not know. My husband thinks I am. And I do love them.

So, whatever I did in my life, I did it well. I threw my whole self in it. I got a lot out of each phase of my life, and I gave a lot back. But I cannot say which phase of my life was that I was born for.

Perhaps there is no one purpose in life. In fact, we find our purpose in every journey we travel.